Is Your Over Possessive Nature Killing Your Relationship?

When we love someone truly, madly we are ought to become possessive about them. It’s a human trait which we have inherited from Darwinian Apes. And mind you, it is not a crime nor is it something to be ashamed of, if you are possessive for your partner. In fact, a relationship ceases to exist when you lose your possessiveness for someone you love. But just like every other thing in this world, excess of anything is bad.... this brings us to the question, "How much possessive is enough?" "Is My Over Possessive Nature Killing My Relationship?” "What degree of possessiveness/jealousy do you think is healthy in a relationship?" "Possessiveness: Builds or ruins a relation?"

As I said possessiveness per se is not a bad attribute, but there is fine line between what is good and what is bad. This fine line is largely dependent on the nature of both the partners in a relationship. Some partners like it when their spouse is possessive about them. For them it’s a proof of the love and care, while on the other side, there are people who complain of suffocation and lack of freedom in presence of a possessive partner. Let us see some of the signs which will help you understand if you are being over possessive and if the same is being loathed by your boyfriend/girlfriend.

  •  Do you fight with your husband/boyfriend every time he returns late home?
  •  Do you keep checking your girlfriend's / boyfriend's Facebook account and   quarrel if other boy/girl flirts with him or her online?
  •  Do you start coughing if your partner talks or helps some other girl?
  •  Do you keep checking call log and messages of your partner?
  •  Do you keep accusing your partner of lying or hiding things from you?
  •  Do you loathe any new friends your partner makes?
  •  Do you feel low when you call your partner and phone is engaged?
  •  Do you keep accusing them of giving you less time?
  •  Do you feel whatever you do for your partner is not being valued enough?
  •  Have you ever faked some action to make your partner be with you or just to get more care?
  •  Do you often manipulate arguments just to prove something to him/her?

If the answer to these questions is yes, it’s time you slow down, before your nature (which can be termed as over possessive, now), kills your relationship. Although deep down your love and care is leading to such nature of yours, if you don’t change now, soon you will lose the person you love the most.

Relationships are built on trust and a degree of freedom and space is expected by both the partners, and if this trust and freedom is threatened, relationships start going down the drain. Your erratic nature can really make your partner feel 'caged' and no one wants to live like a slave. No one wants to be dictated by other person what to wear, what to eat, how to walk, etc.. etc.. You are not their parent or a guardian. Here, I would like to bust a myth about over-possessiveness that many of us have. People think if a boy is over possessive about his girlfriend, he is insecure, while if a girl is over possessive about his boyfriend it means she loves him more than he expects her to. Well let me tell you 'over possessiveness' has no place in a healthy relationship because this extra possessive nature in due course pushes love to backseat. Usually, an over possessive partner has a huge ego, and doesn't have regard for the feelings and freedom of other person; he/she tries to control everything. This nature forces one to think and re-think whether to go further in a relationship with such dominating person.

What if you are on the receiving side of this nature and you are not able to bear possessiveness of your boyfriend/girlfriend?

If you see the signs of over possessiveness in your relationship; it is time for you to talk to your partner. Try to assert yourself and discuss the issues. Talking and communicating your issues to them might just be the need of an hour. Set the timeframe for them to improve and change, and if this doesn't work move on. It is better to get away and end relationship now with self-respect intact rather than ruining the rest of your life. And if they really do change for you, then you will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you don't reciprocate their love.

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Why do we need to move on from past relationship?.
Some Don'ts while trying to move on from a break-up
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  1. Ohh my! I am really possessive and I hope I can work this out and be someone that who can trust my partner. We usually quarrel because I usually accused him of cheating on me.

  2. @Jeff
    Well sort out the issue. Theres no other way out. Even if your partner did cheat, try to know his true feelings for you PRESENTLY. Theres no point dwelling in the past.
    It may require a li'l more effort than you think it does but trust me, its worth the effort if its true love.
    All the best :)

  3. well i also came to his place seeking answers

    i am very over possesive... and my girl really cries everyday now but i just hate any guy talking to her

    i dont know why you need guy friends when you have lover..

    hmm i am really sad to see her cry.. but at same time i am unable to change myself.. i tried.. but when it comes to her talking to other guy, it is really non-negotiable part at my side

    hmm i dont know what to do

    1. Hi there all you have to do make up your mind to change for a better relationship and take it one step at a time let go the old you just let it go and trust

    2. You need guy friend's even after having a lover is just similar to you having female friends even after you have a girlfriend. Its for help and just because Ur in a relationship does not mean you don't need friends anymore. They were a part of you life and they will be a part of you life later also .

  4. @Anonymous: Well there will be certain times when you will feel that way and it is NORMAL(Only when it is sometimes, not always). But at the same time you have to understand that there is no need to feel insecure about it. Her merely talking to another guy shouldn't be a reason for you to worry. Ask yourself, how would you feel if she starts doing the same with you. Wouldn't you think she is sort of overreacting?
    A relationship is all about trust. I suggest you to work it out with your gal. Understand her and let her understand you.
    All the best :)

  5. wow thank you so much... this article has really helped me understanding my gf.

  6. IM in long distance relationship .. and my partner thinks im over possessive about him. now days his lying and withholding some information back like what he does etc. All im doing is jus asking simple questions thats it nothing else. if i ws physically near him i wouldnt have asked him.. i ask because we live in 2different countries???if i ask him too many questions he gets pissed. And when he asks me questions i dont get pissed. i cry for him day & night always... I have to beg him so that he can just take some time and talk to me just for even 5 mins .He ignores my calls / texts and he doesn't reply instantly he replies like after 3-4 hours.. when i know he is free and not busy at all. Lately i found out that one of his best friends (girl) has a crush onn him . Im so boiling with envy inside. i dont know what to do . i reacted hella badly to this situation but if i do keep mentioning about the ggirl he gets really angry and blames me im sick in the head etc. i know that girl aint that much of attractive etc.

    i just dont know what to do .

  7. Hi, I agree with you, over possesiveness is a very corrosive emotion in a relationship. I believe it has different effects on both sides of the relationship. For instance an over possessive man would generally make a woman feel trapped and manipulated to comply, as women generally have an innate desire to please the man or submit. On the otherside when a woman is this way towards a man it just shuts him down and causes him to draw away, as many men do not like to be controlled. Nice post! thanks

  8. @Anonymous: It is normal for you to ask more about his daily life. But the reason for his getting irritated with this behaviour could be many. Maybe he is having some issues that you are unaware of. If this is the case, then just be there for him like a pillar of strength and be patient for time to take care of it.
    A second possibility is that he may get irritated with you when you try too much to get to know about his life because he thinks that there is nothing to tell you. That could be the reason of his not returning your calls or messages. And this can really make him lose interest in the relationship, though it is not your fault, maybe he just needs some space. If this is the problem, I suggest that don't try too hard. It could just worsen the situation. Let him get back. Make it clear to him that you are there for him, but now he needs to take a step too.
    I hope this helps you, all the best! :)

  9. @Penna Sparrow thanks since the day he told me im over possesive iv e given him his space.i stil dont understand Its funny hw r.ship wrks... Wen u gve too much love n care dey say ur overpossessive..wen u finally stop showing ur luv &start hiding ur feelings .. twrds dat persn .dan dey say u found someone else... ?

  10. @Anonymous: Yeah it is weird when people come up with such theories. It can be really annoying and frustrating when they don't understand what you're feeling. So make sure that he knows exactly how you feel. If he still doesn't want to understand, let him be.
    This can be because either he doesn't know the feeling or doesn't really care about knowing what you are feeling.
    Pushing too much will only make him more irritable.
    And as for his saying about you finding someone else, you need not show what you have for him. If you are confident that you have done your best in the relationship, not done anything wrong, then sooner or later he shall realize that.

  11. Thank you so much..
    I have to change myself a lot to keep the relationship.

  12. @penna sparrow

    Hi, I read your article and found it very usefull.
    I am going to admit that I am guilty
    of atleast 4 of the things you listed,
    that is checking messages, an
    Facebook account of my partner,
    and getting jelouse when he
    makes a new lady friend or
    if one of the girls we work with
    is asking him for advice,
    reason for this is I don't trust the girls
    we work with, and that is why
    I get insecure. Apart from
    my odd occasions of possessiveness
    and insecurities we have
    a great relation ship,
    do a lot together,
    have a lot in common etc,

    I often have dreams about him
    cheating wich makes me insecure,
    My boyfriend has ever given me a
    reason no to trust him,
    but I still have doubts,
    we've been together
    1 year and 2 months, at the beginning
    of our relationship he was very possesive,
    he found out my Facebook password
    and looked through all my old messages
    to lads and friends from before Id met him etc.
    he was also extremely insecure
    due to previous relationships
    when his ex girlfriends
    had cheated on him.

    I used to have more of a life,
    I saw my friends more then
    what I do now and I went out
    to places with my friends alot more.
    I cut this down because my boyfriend
    would often get funny with
    me and Mardy when I was
    with my friends, so I cut it down,
    i still see my friends and havnt
    blocked then out my life but I
    don't see them as much and
    miss out on alot now. Now
    it's in reverse, I'm the one
    who is possesive I don't want
    it to ruin our relationship as before
    all this I could always deal
    with his possessiveness
    I liked the fact how much
    he cared etc, it didn't bother
    me so much.
    Thing is I know we love eachother,
    we'd do anything for eachother,
    even planned to go on
    Holiday with eachother in a
    couple of weeks, please can you offer
    me some advice @pennasparrow
    I would really appreciate it :)

  13. @Anonymous: Your partner's over possessiveness may have made you feel suffocated in the past. However, with time he has understood you and has given you your space, because he trusts you. But now you have started feeling insecure about him, without any reason of doubting. Well a little bit of possessiveness is necessary but do not go overboard with it. You already know the feeling of being doubted and checked and I'm sure that you wouldn't want your partner to feel the same.
    So I would suggest that just like he has started trusting you, you also must have the same. The happiness of love is only when both the partners trust each other fully. You already have a great bonding. If you feel that you have a valid reason to doubt him, you can discuss it with him in a subtle manner. Make him understand how you feel.
    Hope this helps. All the best! :)

  14. @Gerard Cox: Yes, that's right. If you really want the person to be in your life forever and you think that making a change in your behaviour is worth the improvement of your relationship, then go for it. But it can't be done without the understanding of your partner. Let him/her know that you are striving towards a change for the relationship, so that the lost love can be rediscovered. This way your effort will be understood. This is definitely easier said than done. But with patience and love for the person, its possible.
    However, if at some point you feel that changing yourself is not going to keep you happy, then reconsider changing yourself. If its going to make the relationship better, but doesn't keep you happy, there isn't any point, is there?

  15. @Penna Sparrow
    Hi...I'm going to admit that I am guilty of at least all the things you listed..but i don't love her or want her to be my life partner...we are friends....close friends...but I'm over possessive on her... from first wen we become friends we have not stopped texting not even a single day and she would inform me where is she and Wat she is doing, whether she ate or not, and before leaving to work she would inform me,and after reaching home she would inform me....but if any of above doesn't happen one day i feel very low and i get many unwanted thoughts that she is trying to avoid me?? and i burst out to her and try to show her how i care her and unable to express how much affection i'm having on her...because of this i feel very uncomfortable...daily fight only she also not responding for my texts or calls well...i always dwell in her account and her texts daily...
    now days she is lying and withholding some information back like what he does etc.
    i ask her too many questions she gets pissed. And when she asks me questions i dont get pissed...I have to beg her so that she can just take some time and talk to me just for even 5 mins .She ignores my calls / texts and she doesn't reply instantly she replies like after 3-4 hours.. when i know she is free and not busy at all.m so boiling with envy inside. i dont know what to do..we hardly meet rarely...if i call for meeting also she is not responding...she is saying if its important to meet me means she wil meet me or else we meet rarely...but if i dint reply to her texts frequently she becomes angry on me and asking that i'm trying to avoid her...
    please i dont know wat to do and how to react...i really dont love her we are close friends...
    hmm i dont know what to do ...

  16. i had given my partners space,,,she s so possessive i luvd it d most,, she went to a diff city nw,,i feel she is changed,,,wen she din relise my feelings luv n care fr her n the things i do,,i stopped it,,i started hating her things,bt i luv her i dn wanna lose her,,, even she s too good fr me,,, i jus feel so jus as m possessive nw,,,i wis to be back as i was,,, i duno hw to make it out,,, tell me a way,,,

  17. @Arul: it is evident that you care a lot for her and always want to be there for her. But as you say you don’t love her and she is a friend to you, give her some space. That’s what is necessary in friendship, to be able to talk to your friend anytime you want to and give them anything they need. And giving her the freedom will strengthen your relationship. Maybe there is something bothering her and that’s why she may not feel like talking to you. Give her time to recover from whatever it is. She knows that you’re there for her. So don’t be scared, just let her be normal first.
    In the meantime, you should also get back to your life and don’t worry much about her. If she doesn’t want to tell you some things, you worrying about them will not make anything better. She will have to take a step too.
    Hope this helps. All the best. :)

  18. Hi...i am deeply in love with my boyfriend..,he loves me a lot too n cares
    for me so the reason why i become low sometimes is he has a
    friend(girl) n she cares fr bf also cares fr first i was
    not boadhered about once infront of me he said to her i care for
    both of u pepople in the same way...i quarlled with him for that and he
    stopped caring fr her n talking witg her very less..i know they were gud
    friends thats why i am so jelous i dont knw..plz help me
    I dont want to lose him..

  19. @Anonymous: It is absolutely normal for you to be jealous of the friend. But it is also evident that your boyfriend cares more for you than her, since he has reduced talking to his friend because you don't like it. This is because he understands how you feel. Most guys will just expect you to understand that they have other friends(girls) and feel that there is nothing wrong in it.
    But he has gone that extra mile and stopped talking to the girl. Don't you think that's a good enough proof that he cares and loves you more? Think about it.
    It may be difficult for you to accept his friend, but you need to try to do it and get over your insecurity. If you don't want to lose him, you will have to work out something that doesn't hurt him or you.
    All the best! :)

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